


No Matter What

by SizzlingSiren



Category: Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, New Kids On The Block, Spice Girls
Genre: Angst, Comedy, Drama, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Horror, M/M, Normal Life, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-20 13:52:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9494336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SizzlingSiren/pseuds/SizzlingSiren
Summary: ''It has always been wired into my brain that one is suppose to be complete with the love of their life and that they're the one who heals you inside and out, all while mending your broken pieces back together. Chipped up paint being topped off by a fresh new layer except this time it sticks on for good. Even better, having a cold heart and knowing you've found the one as the ice begins to melt ever so slowly....sounds too good to be true".When Mark and Howard come together they find that based off of their struggles, they're not much different from each other. However, it doesn't make anything easier as they continue to grow close.





	1. No Matter What: Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is my first long fic on this website so I hope you enjoy it. Now I know that this pairing is ridiculously unusual, I haven't come across any stories on these two so I know I'll be the first. To start it off, this fic consist of bad language (Lot's of it) and mature content. If you don't like mature content or perhaps you're not old enough then I encourage you to not be risky and read it anyway. The plot is pretty toned down, I didn't want to give away too much. For the most part it's upbeat and humorous with the occasional dark moments. Other than that I'm very excited!  
> The year is 1993.  
> Told in first person.

**No Matter What**

**The Character Index:**

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/MarkWahlberg.1%202_edited_edited_zpsuecysv7a.jpg.html)

**The Main:**

Mark Wahlberg - **_The Foolhardy Engineer_**

Howard Dorough - **_The Compassionate Undergraduate_**

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/howie.2%202_edited_zpszp55m8xz.jpg.html)

**The Best Friends:**

Danny Wood - **_The Know-It-All_**

Joey Mclntyre - **_The Go Getter_**

Brian Littrell - **_The Good(Bad) Boy_**

Chris Kirkpatrick - **_The Untamed Force_**

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/danny.1_zpsfbhpyg84.jpg.html)

****

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/joeym.1_zps6hcbgozf.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/brian2_zpsbiwabxey.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/chris.1_zpsldggwrkl.jpg.html)

[  
](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/nickcarter_zpstwb3cpd9.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/606ce20deb43d64573957d0657baf1b6_zpshjmstfzg.jpg.html)

 

 

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/vic.1_zpsjwfewznn.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/leonardo.1_zps1f6iujtp.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/61e28a3c3fb7089fc8b87d3d9816d0e4_zpsparl56i0.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/mel.2_zpso3wll3mn.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/emma.1_zps08tlvpcf.jpg.html)

**The Side Friends:**

Nick Carter - **_The Wild Child_**

AJ Mclean - ** _The Rebel_**

Leonardo Dicaprio - **_The Sweet Talker_**

Victoria Beckham - **_The Tough Cookie_**

Geri Halliwell - **_The Amusing Flirt_**

Melanie Chisholm - **_The Quirky Writer_**

Emma Bunton - **_The Free Spirit_**

**The Engineers,**

**The Students:**

Melanie Brown(Mel B) - ** _The Cunning Tomboy_**

Lance Bass: - **_The Roommate_**

Joshua Scott(JC Chasez) - **_The Striver_**

Justin Timberlake - **_The Perfectionist_**

 

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/9f9bb10e80e6d5f5a321ac768c1241b7_zps6agtagti.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/lance.3_zps9fgvowrd.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/JC.1_zpsn5lhlipw.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/justin.1_zpspzqed2qf.jpg.html)

 

**The Exes:**

Traci Bingham **- _The Flawless Model_**

Kevin Richardson - **_The 'Perfect' Man_**

 

 

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/kev.1_zpseri8mkxd.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/traci.1_zpsxzu9m4qx.jpg.html)

 

 

**The Family Members:**

Donnie Wahlberg - **_The Sensible Brother_**

Jonathan Knight - **_The Problem Solver_**

Jordan Knight - **_The Trouble Maker_**

 

 

 

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/donnie.1_zpspwcaiew7.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/jordan.2_zpsmwnqu3ja.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/jordanknight.2_zpssz40h1ep.jpg.html)

 

**The Criminals:**

Kate Moss - **_The Seductress_**

Joey Fatone - **_The Purse-Snatcher_**

Patrick Mcgaw - **_The Hitman_**

 

　

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/kate.1_zpswtpxom57.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/joey.1_zpsliak1so8.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/imagesIN87BWG5_zps0bo2vlhr.jpg.html)

**The Gang:**

Tracy Fraim - **_The Leader (Far right, shoulder length brown hair)_**

Jed Rees - **_The Mastermind (Wool cap)_**

Gary Riley - **_The Fighter (Far left, long blond hair)_**

Jason Kristofer - **_The Sadist (Short hair)_**

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/fear.%20the%20gang_zpsrzoyyhdf.jpg.html)


	2. Some Things Are Never Fully Understood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> This will be the first chapter, so no more annoying introductions. Just so you guys know, I'll be adding bits and pieces of song lyrics into some of my chapters on certain parts, not all of them. In some cases the lyrics may fit with the actual chapter and in some cases they won't. I just think it adds onto the fun, and since I think this story is like a movie I'm gonna create a 'soundtrack'.

                                                                                                                                                

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/combine_images_zpsbnnekeq5.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/mickey.3_zps2osfxjpf.jpg.html)

 

 **Mark**  

October 14th, 1993

 

 Sometimes on rainy days I'd remove my shirt and walk outside seeking a stronger connection with the serene nature. With just a few slow strides, my eyelashes would already be soaked by the tiny droplets before ultimately joining the wet ground like fresh salted tears.

Condensation descending from the clouded sky to stream down my face, flowing further to reach my relaxed muscles in thin sheets, drenching my hair which darkened from a chocolate brow to a jet black.

Each and every drop that alighted my waiting skin cooled me down, forcing my mind to stay caught up in the moment and appreciate the soothing drizzles.

At times, even if it were just for five minutes, the rain washed away all my past pain and diminished the uncertainty of the nearby future.

Other times I'd think about how fulfilling it must be to have somebody out there standing right by your side. Not just any random person but the human being your heart desires.

There was something so exquisite about a deep, passionate kiss in the rain. A tender moment that could only last for so long.

Although the simple thought of it sounded perfect, it was still pretty cheesy. But when standing in the rain unmoving, the image of me with someone else always popped up.

It has always been wired into my brain that one is suppose to be complete with the love of their life and that they're the one who heals you inside and out, all while mending your broken pieces back together. Chipped up paint being topped off by a fresh new layer except this time it sticks on for good. Even better, having a cold heart and knowing you've found the one as the ice begins to melt ever so slowly....sounds too good to be true.

Sue me, but I'm not a firm believer in all that mushy-gushy soul mate crap.

My own parents couldn't even get with the damn program, they fought every single day like there was no tomorrow, eventually divorcing and separating for good. Me and my other siblings were also split up, some stayed with my dad while the rest remained with my mom.

Funny how my own mother hammered that love theory into my brain like it was a loose screw, yet she couldn't seem to make things right with my father. Of course with me being much older now it makes more sense, there could've been a million other reasons why they separated in the first place.

However, when I was younger I remembered being enraged with the both of them for not staying together and most of all, dividing up our family. The simple thought of my parents being there in my life provided a feeling of contentment.

Yeah, I still maintained a connection with my dad but that wasn't going to bring the family back together the way I wanted.

When it came to me in relationships, I was out of control...correction- I still am actually, although I'm not nearly as bad. For one I found myself being equally attracted to men and women so yeah, I'm bisexual and no where near ashamed. It added onto the entertainment of exploring my sexuality, almost all the women I've dated in the past were astounded when finding out.

Apparently my dominating persona made it impossible to find other men attractive.

Secondly, majority of my dating history was focused solely on physical appearance and commitment had no room to fit in.

Traci Bingham, my ex-girlfriend I met back in my early college days was the closest I had ever gotten to commitment. I wouldn't say she was so much the love of my life but those feelings were there for sure.

Traci is a prime example of someone I use to argue with endlessly. Nothing I ever did was good enough, it didn't matter how much I broke my back just to fucking satisfy her. 

Every last piece of effort was flushed down the toilet as if it were nothing more than drenched brown shit.

Ok gross, my way of describing it is intensely distasteful.

But if anyone ever dared asking me face-to-face I'd voice out that I treated her like a princess, inside and outside the bedroom...well maybe not that part.

Anyways, I think what mainly pissed me off about the whole situation was that she never called it quits.

Eventually I gathered up enough common sense to realize the relationship was getting us nowhere. She continued on with being the unsatisfied handful that she was and in the end it left me exhausted.

I'll admit it, I regret how harsh I was but goodness gracious! I had officially hit rock bottom. I was tired, mentally drained, and just plain irritated by her relentless fussing. She was the ringing in my ear that refused to go away.

Can you blame me?!

Hell, I even went as far as to bolding stating I was dumb for putting up with her nagging for two straight years.

But in the long run she ended up leaving Massachusetts to pursue modeling somewhere in New York and I could only wish her the best of luck, so we weren't necessarily on bad terms.

My dating life had been pretty sporadic ever since. 

But from then on I consistently took a giant footstep back to abstain any potential relationships, I was so reluctant and didn't want to take any risks. Honestly, it was imperceptibly depressing to realize that I wasn't as comfortable with the simple thought of entangling myself into the limbs of another possible future partner.

Just weeks after we split, I concluded that based off of my actions and views on commitment that I was back on square one. Meaning I heedlessly returned to my old ways, which was me staying fixated on the physical appearances and never allowing relationships to last.

However, that shitty feeling didn't engulf my entire thought process on love and commitment.

For a minute I was really feeling myself and my ego got a little too big.

A strong sense of freedom lingered from within me and only intensified at a specific timing, causing me to engage in an innumerable amount of pleasant one night stands.

_**If I take you from behind...** _

_**Push myself into your mind...** _

Scratch that! Hot, sexy, erotic, stimulating, gratifying....and shit, I'm running low on words.

These midnight sex sessions escalated rapidly after I met Holly Heinz in General Physics. A two hour evening course, she would do an occasional soft whispering in my ear about what 'additional information' we could 'uncover' about science.

_**When you least expect it...** _

_**Will you try and reject it?** _

Next thing I know I'm in her dorm room around 1 o'clock, lapping up the secret dripping wet place in between her soft luscious thighs with my talented tongue, our moment being shared by her loud thunderous snoring roommate.

Oh hell yes! We got it in real good while her roommate was asleep.

_**If I'm in charge...** _

_**And I treat you like a child...** _

At first I was concerned about disrupting her beauty rest until Holly convinced me to just stay silent and everything would be fine. I highly doubted our absence of noise lasting more than a few short minutes. Sure enough all it took was me expertly fondling her supple breasts and planting teasing tender pecks across her deliciously moist centre for a handful of euphoric moans to erupt from her parted lips.

_**Will you let yourself  go wild?** _

_**Let my mouth go where it wants to...**_  

Needless to say, I found it so hilarious how Holly continually stuck her fist in her mouth to prevent vocalizing any more of the mind-blowing pleasure she was receiving. Sooner or later I was forced to cover her mouth with my hand.

_**Give it up** _

_**Do as I say...** _

She became a frantic quivering mess when I used my tongue to slither further past her soaking wet folds, greedily devouring every last bit of her sugary sweetness from the inside and out like a late night dessert.

_**Give it up and let me have my way...** _

Stopping instantly once her panting quickened just to piss her off.

The way that hidden place between her legs shimmered a faint pink in the dim lighting of her dorm room.

_**I'll give you love** _

_**I'll hit you like a truck** _

The way it twitched in excitement when she longed for my magic touch.

_**I'll give you love** _

_**I'll teach you how to...** _

Mmmh.

I teased the hell out of her that night.

Thank God her roommate didn't wake up, that was a disaster waiting to happen.

Anyways, I put a stop to carelessly sleeping around for good after engaging in a wild frat party filled with excessive drinking, and woke up around 5AM with a raging headache.

I found myself naked in bed accompanied by two young women and one other male, it was then where I realized I couldn't recognize any of them from the night before.

Acknowledging that fact chilled me down to the bone.

In other words, it scared the living shit out of me.

My alcohol intake pretty much decreased from then on, in fear I'd wake up again and not knowing who the fuck I slept with. Even before, I never let myself get so carried away with drinking.

Overall, stopping for the sake of my previous incidents didn't drastically effect my life.

Don't get me wrong I enjoyed intercourse, but at the same time I didn't claim the image of being some mad or crazed sex fiend. Jerking off to porn magazines here and there was satisfying enough to set me straight.

Besides, I had other goals to accomplish. What the hell did I look like allowing chaotic frat parties along with casual sex keep my head buried high up in the clouds?

I wasn't failing any of my classes, however my grades dropped tremendously.

Sooner or later, I snapped out if it and got myself back on track. It did take loads of hard work on my part but I was very much willing to put in the time and effort.

After all I didn't get this damn far to let all my laborious years of studying go completely down the drain.

In the end everything really did work out for the better.

I received my Bachelors degree in Mechanical Engineering back in college and got an internship at a fairly distinguished engineering firm here in San Francisco.

My older brother Donnie moved out here three years ago after getting a job offer at a prestigious accounting organization and had been working there ever since.

Once I graduated and left Massachusetts a week later I stayed with him just until I bought my own apartment, even though he constantly tried convincing me to stay longer.

My experience at the internship was fantastic but it only lasted for a few months.  

That's where I met Joey Mclntyre, who had been working there for the past six months.  At that time he was a soon to be third year college student at San Francisco University and majoring in Mechanical Engineering.

We hit it off from there and grew fairly close, even spent some time outside of work. Our bond was remarkably deep, we were almost too comfortable with each other if that made sense.

And I'm not referring to anything sexual here, I can't really explain it but I feel as if I've known him for years. He's like a childhood friend that you finally reunite with after what feels like eternity. It was extremely easy to let go and be myself around him.

Despite us first meeting one another back in early June, we were best buds and never stopped supporting each other.

I was busy putting in full-time hours and stacking up for my apartment, Joey was going to school and working part-time all while getting more ass than a filthy public toilet seat.

We'd go out clubbing on any free nights, he wasn't allowed to buy drinks because of his age so I'd sneak in some alcohol and we'd sip on it in the parking lot while chatting about the most random shit.

Meanwhile I left my intern once being hired at the MDC.Power Machines Corporation and I'd never been so thrilled in my entire life. It was a dream come true because that meant I could safely take my next big step.

The sense of belonging left me content and untroubled. This pride was nothing compared to the elation I felt when graduating from college and trust me, my excitement was through the roof throughout the entire event, I was seconds away from dying and being carried out on a damn stretcher.

Now I spend all my work time between an office and the workshop, designing structural components, suspension systems, manufacturing, etc.

I can honestly say without a single blink of the eye, I'm genuinely pleased with my success so far.

Oh who the fuck am I kidding? I'm more than pleased, I'm utterly satisfied. Sated. And it all happen so damn fast!

"Still hooked on that book I see, it's way overdue".

I looked up at my other friend Danny, the main one who talked me into applying. Joey, who already knew him had introduced me when we ran into him at a bar once. I explained that I was planning on leaving the internship soon for a new job in the field I wanted to enter.

To my luck, Danny had been working for the corporation since 1991 and informed me about new hiring positions.

Truthfully, I don't know how much longer I'd be waiting if I hadn't taken his advice.

"Only by week and two days", I remarked stubbornly, knowing damn well that nine days was still pretty lengthy when it came to something as small as returning a library book.

This whole situation started with Joey whining about some book he checked out at his school library he got to help with his literature course. I recall snatching it up from his hands just to see what the fuss what about. I read couple pages and couldn't stop, he didn't hesitate before letting me borrow it.

"Don't tell him that, you know how he is", Danny urged while pulling out a chair and sitting beside me with a soda in his hand. He was on his lunch break and my shift had ended just a minute ago.

"It's not like I have a choice", I murmured with a big sigh, leaning back in my chair and shutting the book.

'Either you be straight up about it, or you sneak into that damn library and claim his identity. Make your choice", Danny finished with a nonchalant shrug while taking a quick sip of his Mountain Dew.

"I won't even consider your second option", I replied back with a chuckle before standing up from my seat.

~*~

After another few minutes of small conversation with Danny I was finally able to exit the building. Joey still had a good hour before his shift started so I figured giving him a call would do no harm.

Sauntering over into the nearby phone booth I swiftly dialed the number he gave me to his dorm room.

Just when I thought he wasn't going to answer, his voice suddenly came through on the other end after the sixth ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey it's me".

"Mark?", he asked in confusion which bugged the hell out of me.

"No you're nutty ex-girlfriend, of course it's me. Who else?" I quipped before stopping myself. Isn't this great? My own friend can hardly recognize my voice over the phone.

"Haha very funny. What's going on?"

"Look I know I should have told you this earlier but I finished your book and it needs to be returned", I said with a hint of reluctance, completely overthinking his next response. 

"Well it's about fucking time!! It's been like...months". Ok, now he's just exaggerating.

"Bro, we all know you'd be paying a major fine if that were the case".

"Speaking of paying...you owe me a few bucks for those overdue days", he boasted with a wicked laugh, making me want to reach through the phone and slap off his smug smirk.

"No big deal, I'll give you the money tomorrow", I assured him with a heavy sigh.

"Why wait? I still have plenty of time so come by my dorm now and drop it off".

"Now? The university is pretty damn far from here don't you think?" I questioned in faint aggravation.

"Dude, it's only 15 minutes away from the company", he went on in a casual tone.

"15 minutes my ass!", I spat out uncontrollably. I won't lie, I didn't have the energy to drive all the way up there, especially not after a long shift.

"Oh chill out. I have to work in less than an hour so just drop by right quick and then you can leave".

"So what if you're late for your shift and you get fired huh? You've already been late multiple times", I reminded him in a serious tone. He couldn't afford to be late again.

"I guess you'll have to find me a new job too, bro".

Un-believable.

"You're officially a crazy ass", I drawled while running a tired hand through my hair.

Joey cackled on the other line before replying back. "I'm kidding, relax", he laughed stumbling over his words.

"Yeah you better be. Your next visit would have been a therapy session scheduled by me".

"Oh you wouldn't dare", he challenged with a snarl.

"Try me and just might", I barked back in a playful manner.

In the end Joey's suggestion prevailed and I unwillingly caved in, agreeing to not waste anymore time and hand over the money.

"Look, just give me 20 minutes and I'll be there", I reassured him.

"Oh and Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Make sure to bring the book with you", he teased while snickering to himself.

I knew what game he was playing and went along with it. "Oh crap I almost forgot, thanks for the reminder", I quipped back before hanging up the phone.

I exited the phone booth and paced hurriedly to find my red Ford Ranger ready to take off.

Damnit, I'm running out of gas too.

Ugh! Let's get this shit over with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song reference: 'Erotica' by Madonna.  
> First chapter is finally outta the way, I hope you guys enjoyed it. I know the chapter is kind of short but they'll be longer the more I update. Oh and please excuse Mark's potty mouth.


	3. Perfect But...Not Perfect

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/combine_images_zpsbnnekeq5.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/SizzlingSiren/media/howie.6%202_zpsx55yulbn.jpg.html)

**Howard**

October 14th 1993

 

 

 

Ugh! This day is not going the way I planned.

I've been sitting at my damn desk doing absolutely nothing for the past 10 minutes, which is pretty unusual since I always find something to do around this time of the day.

Why must things get so complicated at the wrong moments? To top it off I still had to read and study an entire chapter on social cognition.

Honestly, I sometimes wonder why I ever chose psychology as my major. I mean aside from me finding tremendous enjoyment in learning about the scientific study of the human mind and behavior, I just discovered that helping people had always been something I wanted to do. It came naturally to me.

Not only help, but heal and improve the daily lives of other human beings. It goes much deeper than me being curious as to why certain people behaved the way they did, I didn't realize until later on that this was a better way of getting me to understand myself.

Other than that, so far my major was fairly easy considering it only required the ability to read, write, and do basic statistical analysis, making it approachable to almost anyone.

One thing I can point out that's extremely frustrating is when I tell someone I'm a third year psychology student and so many will immediately begin spewing out all of their problems to me like word vomit.

As if I can fix each and every one of them with a quick snap of my fingers, making me feel like a magician. Tell me everything you 'think' is wrong with you and then BAM!-you're cured. If only it were that simple.

Just imagine looking deeply into someone's eyes and seeing their entire life though them. You're not just looking through a simple sight organ.

People always say the eyes are the windows to your soul, I've been told repeatedly that my eyes showed kindness and vulnerability. Sometimes it got under my skin, making me wish I wasn't so transparent and other times it left me flattered.

It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, some would say my eyes somehow uplifted their day from the amount of positivity and happiness they screamed.

Certainly not a bad thing when it came to meeting new people. For the most part I'd say I'm pretty glad I can easily make friends, however it's a big struggle living up to this assumption that Howard is happy 24/7 and that nothing is ever wrong with me.

Now don't get confused, I'm a fairly happy person who's quite levelheaded. But it drains the hell out of me to have to keep this invisible mask glued to my face and never get a chance to occasionally rip it off. And it's not that I'm hiding my 'true identity', I'm just constantly stuck in the position of having to remain optimistic for the sake of everyone else.

As a person who's currently aiming towards becoming a future therapist, it might be a smart idea to start undertaking my own therapeutic process. Start by being my own patient and placing more value within myself, and try 'curing' myself before attempting to cure anyone else.

I'll admit I do have a tendency to put other peoples emotions first and neglect my own to seek validation. My mother did always tell me that one of the most important things in human existence was human connection. So therefore I never put excessive thought into wanting approval since it was pretty natural for everyone at some point.

However, in my case it could go overboard.  

There's never much room left for me to talk about or focus my attention on only my problems. I have two amazing best friends who know me so well, but they don't always listen or take me seriously if that makes any sense. They gravitated more in the direction of what I needed as opposed to what I wanted.

I know it is partially my fault that my feelings are disregarded. But when will someone ever be curious to know what Howard's feeling instead of shoving all of their non-stop issues down my throat? At times I even regretted working myself so hard to where people only refer to me as the 'overachiever' and not 'Howard himself'.

The one who's so smart and never has to deal with a heavy barrier of problems.

Please don't think I'm depressing by any means because aside from everything I just mentioned, I actually like being seen as perfect. But lets face it, Justin Timberlake-crème de la crème- was the boss of that role. Gee, how does that guy sleep at night?

Anyways, my love life was an even bigger complication, no one really cared about what my accomplishments were mainly for the fact that so many wanted to get me in bed.

When coming out as a self proclaimed bisexual, I discovered through my exciting journey of experimenting that I never had to really question my sexuality because I went either way.

I could somewhat relate to the feeling of being wanted for only my outer appearance and not my intelligence. Men definitely weren't the only ones guilty for that problem because while so many women claimed to want a man for his brains, plenty went against their word. Men were just more upfront about it and didn't beat around the bush as much. 

If you ask me, being equally attracted to both genders only made things more difficult. Sure, my options did expand but not all for the better. When thinking about marriage, two different pictures came to mind, man or woman. You couldn't really be sure who you'd spend the rest of your life with. It was those future thoughts that left me miserable.

But hey, you like both you have to deal with both.

My intuition continuously told me that if you feel complete while being with a certain somebody, they must be the one and only. The very first time I did feel content was when Kevin Richardson made a grand entrance into my life and changed it drastically.

_Kevin._

My ears always seemed to perk up each time I heard that name.

It brought back so many vivid memories, both good and bad. I know it's been over a year but damn, my mind was far up in the clouds at that time. Kevin and I met my freshman year of college during a football bowl game, he was a junior.

The duration of our relationship lasted for more than a solid year, however we were constantly off and on for various reasons.

I found myself complaining persistently on how he moved too fast or dived so quickly into things without much previous thought.

He on the other hand was dissatisfied with how excruciatingly slow I took each step and claimed not to have enough patience for my pace.

Despite the continuous pattern of breaking and making up, at some point the stars would align and guide us right back into each others arms.

I could see issues that I felt were easily fixable causing a big hindrance in our relationship which was why I kept taking him back. I automatically assumed we'd work through these problems and take the next big step.

And once we finally did take it up a few notches, he got an internship somewhere in Kentucky-his home state-after graduating and was already on the verge of packing.   

I could genuinely see myself starting a life with him. While he claimed to feel the same way, he never put as much effort into the relationship and lacked affection.

At one point I felt like the only one in the relationship, the only one contributing. 

He brought up the future and how we had our whole lives ahead of us which I didn't deny, using that as an excuse to break up.

But my real question was why he chose to give up on us as if he never cared? I didn't want to overthink it and go as far as to accusing him of perhaps having someone else in the picture.

Even if I did go along with the statement of him cheating, I had no evidence to back up that claim.

Aside from him breaking up with me, he left to pursue his career in Kentucky with a bachelors in Agriculture.

Me earning a full on scholarship here in San Francisco at one of the best California state colleges had me bouncing off the walls.

I couldn't just throw it all away and leave to continue our relationship. Thankfully he understood and didn't intend on having me join him, but in the end he left anyways.

There was absolutely nothing I could do to change his mind or at least convince him to stay until I graduated. Thinking back on the situation now, I was so naïve to assume he'd pick me over this prestigious architectural firm.

Knowing Kevin, I SHOULD have known without any second guesses.

It didn't matter how much I begged or cried, the result remained the same. I loved him so much...probably more than he loved me.

The worst part wasn't even him leaving, just the mere fact that he was able to get rid of me within minutes. He practically gave up on us and me acknowledging that he was truly gone for good stung so badly.

And because I was so overwhelmed by his absence, I didn't know what to do with myself. So I did what I always do whenever I can't deal: bury myself into loads of work as good distraction. In the end it messed me up physically. My appetite decreased, I barely slept and pulled frequent all nighters to continue with school work or finish any useful reading.

My grades were phenomenal, but I still wasn't A-OK.

After that whole situation I pretty much closed myself up to dating and openly refused to get involved with anyone else.

I didn't want to get over it, I didn't want to meet someone new and open my heart up to them.

For one I was extremely cautious with who I let into my business and two, I was so sure Kevin took a piece of my heart with him because the pain cut so deep and felt quite unhealable.

My head continues to relive and re-examine us as a couple holding hands, sneaking into each others dorms late at night and talk for hours, etc.

Then came our final days together, moments I didn't realize would soon come to an end.

While I eventually got back into dating, I still struggled with letting new people in out of fear of getting hurt and fucked over. The simple thought of that history repeating itself left me sad and hopeless.

Whether Kevin cared or not about my feelings was beyond me. I just know that he didn't even try to make things work after he left. Sure we exchanged telephone numbers to keep in touch or whatever but he didn't want to continue the relationship, saying we were better off as friends.

I ended up not calling once and surprisingly, he didn't either.

But fuck it, I've come a long way with my major at one of the best universities and maintained a part-time job at the library, that was my main focus nowadays.

What more was there to add onto my list of goals? I'd say not a damn thing.

"Howie, it's time for you to loosen up a bit don't you think?" I chuckled mirthlessly at my best friend Brian who had freely let himself into my dorm without even knocking. I knew I shouldn't have left the door cracked open.

I met Brian last year in a history course, confidence and courage just radiated off of him. The both of us were always the first ones to show up for the lecture, it had become a habit for us to make random conversation until class started and since then we became very close. Some people grow on you more than others.

"No Brian, I actually think you need to tighten up. You're way too loose", I snapped back quickly.

"Oh please if anything I'm balanced out. You my friend never make any time for fun. Care to prove me wrong?", he asked curiously.

"For your information I do know how to have fun", I exclaimed defensively.

"I'm serious you're really missing out. You rarely join us on the weekends anymore, using that same damn 'I have so much work to do' excuse". Oh boy not this shit again.

Apparently he was in the mood for a chapter two of the lecture he had given me yesterday about how I needed to get laid, start going to parties more, let loose and live a little. I wasn't necessarily ignoring everything he was saying, but I've heard it all before and it did nothing but go in one ear and out the other.

Funny how all of this was coming from Brian; the one who reads verses of the bible 'almost' every night. You'd think someone just as religious would praise and encourage my wise decisions in keeping good focus on school and work while saying no to frat parties.

But no, Brian was a different story. He maintained his precious 'good boy' image but could release the wild side at any given moment. It was like a magic switch in his brain, he knew exactly what he was doing and never tried denying or hiding it.

Being in college and having all of the freedom in the world at some point could make one giddy with excitement so I couldn't blame him.

"Just to keep you updated, I actually like the way my life is going right now", I stated in hope that he'd drop the discussion and start a new one.

"Right because hanging out at the library for hours straight is so much more entertaining than having a night of fun with your best buds". And in came Chris, my other best friend, *cough* the craziest one *cough* of them all.

Before I could even shoot back a clever response, Brian cut in with yet another annoying question. "Howie when was the last time you actually went to a party? In college that is?", he questioned in wonder, sliding all of my books and papers to the side of my desk before situating himself into a comfortable position.

"Four months ago if you really must know", I grumbled while lightly nudging him off to retrieve a book he accidently sat on.

"Dude if you're referring back to the get together we had over the summer, I'm letting you know now that does NOT count", Chris butted in, leaning against the door frame with a water bottle in his hand.

Look, I loved my friends to death and appreciated the fact that they included me in damn near all of their plans. But they we're nosy as hell.

"So technically you haven't been to one since last school year!", Brian clarified, his blue eyes wide in utter shock. O-k, this conversation is officially over.

"I'm not having this talk with you guys", I stated in a no-nonsense kind of voice.

"Oh yes you are because there's a halloween party Saturday night and you're going", Brian declared, clearly not wanting to deal with my stubbornness.

"Says who?"

"Says the both of us, that's who", Chris proclaimed.

"Guys I have to work, I won't have any time".

"Nice try but...you don't work on Saturday's remember?", Chris pointed out smirking at my weak attempt to avoid leaving my dorm.

Shit. My friends knew my library schedule better than I did.

"And since you obviously won't be busy, we're gonna get you a costume and pull you along with us", Brian proudly proclaimed.

"Not happening. Besides I have an early shift on Sunday, so if I did go I'd be hungover the next day", I answered back even though my brief explanations were getting me nowhere.

"Oh please you've dealt with worse, just don't go overboard with drinking and you'll be fine", Chris cautioned casually.

"Chill on the alcohol, do a few body shots on hot chicks and just hang out, simple as that", Brian finished with a shrug.

"I still can't go", I noted hesitantly, knowing it would piss them off.

"WHY!!", they both shouted in unison.

"Maybe I just don't feel like tagging along, have any of you cared to think about that?" I questioned with weariness.

"You not wanting to join is no fucking surprise. But if we don't push you hard enough then who will?", Chris asked.

 "You'll be forever stuck at the library and soon will run out of books to read for the rest of your college life", Brian cooed with crocodile tears.

"Speaking of the library, I have studying plans and don't need you guys blabbering in my ear about what's best for me. So unless you two want to occupy my roommate with your silliness, get out of here", I commanded, standing up from my rolling chair and glancing up at the clock.

3:05 p.m.

"It's not like we can, Lance is never here anyways. Might as well move our asses in and throw all his shit out", Chris noted from the hallway where he currently stood.

"Heck no! Rooming with you would be a total nightmare!!", Brian exclaimed in hysteria at Chris who gave him the finger while sipping his drink.

"Let's be honest here, rooming with both of you at ONCE would be terrifying", I bluntly stated.

"Ok technically that's true, we'd fry your brain. But come on admit it, you'd take me any day over this congested walrus", Brian prodded with a hand directed towards Chris. "I feel terrible for his roommate. Poor Terrance can't even swirl his way into a beautiful dream without Chris's saw wood disrupting the damn peace", he joked.  

"Ooh what a great way to bad-mouth yourself Littrell", Chris teased while clapping his hands as if Brian had just won a nobel prize. "Either you're freaking nuts or you're hearing your damn self cause I do NOT snore", he fibbed in denial.

"Then how the heck do you explain the complaint filed against you by the neighbors for 'making the dead turn in their graves' and you guiltily accusing Terrance for it?", Brian inquired with graceful patience and a mischievous smile.

I couldn't help but fucking laugh at the uproarious memory. 'Making the dead turn in their graves' had actually been the neighbors exact words and Brian perfectly quoting it was the cherry on top.   

We both watched in amusement as Chris flushed slightly and struggled to form a decent answer.

"W-w-w-what gibberish are you t-talking? I'd never put the blame on Terrance, I'm a real man who owns up to what he's done. And b-besides, it ain't my damn fault these walls are paper-thin", he spluttered out.

"Aha!! So you finally admit it?" Brian asked pointing a finger at Chris, trying desperately to hold in his laughter.

Then it hit me, he never did fess up and the complaint filed was completely forgotten about.

"No! I mean y-y-y-oh for Christ's sake it was months ago, who cares?" Chris snarled. Wow, so like him to dodge the question. "Enough about me, lets talk about you and how you're a naughty little Christian boy".

Yep, this conversation is over.

"Alright let's end it here. This isn't a throwing clever shots rematch",I reminded them.

Brian sighed in defeat before getting up from his seat on my desk.

"You know me and Chris have a love-hate relationship", he muttered more to himself than to me. "Oh and this talk isn't over yet so don't think you're off the hook", he stated on his way out the door.

"Mmhmm, whatever you say", I mocked. He sensed my sarcasm.

"I mean it Howie you're going to that pa-" before he could finish his sentence, I pushed him out after Chris and shut the door.

Like hell I'm going!

They'll have to kidnap me first! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is finally done!

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the full introduction, and keep in mind that if more characters are in it they will be added to the index.


End file.
